Author Archives: The Superficial - Because You're Ugly

The Michelle Bombshell Nudes

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

I'm only posting these nude/topless photos of Michelle "Bombshell" McGee so future generations will know we spent the latter half of March estimating just how many genital sores Jesse James received by having an affair with The World's Tattooiest Little Nazi and learn from our mistakes. On that note, let the record show this writer guessed 87, 12 of which looked like Hitler smiling. NOTE: Full Size versions are NSFW. UPDATE: Turns out we were all wrong and WP actually stands for "Wet Pussy." Except now it's "Wow, Jesse James' Penis Is A Cyborg If It Hasn't Fallen Off Yet." Scope Out (24) Pics of Michelle Bombshell Naked After the Jump
Photos: Splash News
Posted in Jesse James, NSFW, Photos, Sandra Bullock, So Freaking Hot, michelle bombshell, nipples, nude, topless | Leave a comment

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Crazy Britney rears its head and other news

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

- Katherine Heigl blows a chance to remain relevant. [Dlisted] - George Clooney voted for Jeff Bridges at the Oscars. [Lainey Gossip] - Kim Kardashian still a ninja at stealthing body fat. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Cindy Margolis is apparently still alive. And breasty. [HollywoodTuna] - Demi Moore saves another life on Twitter even though I'm pretty sure if you're self-absorbed enough to tweet your suicide attempt, you're probably not gonna follow through on it. [PopEater] - Madonna wore that dress for Lindsay Lohan. I guarantee it. [TheFABlife] - Sandra Bullock might've had suspicions during the Oscars. [Huffington Post] - Anne Nicole Smith's estate denied oil fortune. Does no one respect an honest day's gold-digging anymore? C'mon. [StarPulse] - Jessica Simpson has the same success on TV as she does in movies. (Hint: None.) [Celebslam] - Jesse James has no problem showing his face. [PopSugar] - Hugh Jackman dancing for iced tea. Why not? [Just Jared] - Lindsay Lohan spins getting turned away at a nightclub by comparing herself to Jay-Z. [The Blemish] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter
Photos: Fame
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Lindsay Lohan never texted dad in the hospital

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

Seen here getting turned away at Trousdale because the other customers have to drink, too, Lindsay Lohan informed Gossip Cop she never texted her dad while he was in the hospital:
After reading the Radar story, we contacted Lindsay to apologize for being the ones to first break the news of her dad's hospitalization to her, but that we saw she reached out to him.
Not so fast.
Lindsay, whose personal life and conversations have become public because her dad secretly recorded phone calls with her and her mother, actually did NOT contact her father.
In response to our mentioning the Radar "exclusive," Lindsay told Gossip Cop she "didn't" contact Michael Lohan at all.
I'm mostly posting this to remind everyone Michael Lohan will say a duck's a cow if it'll get his name in the press. Which also explains why his daughter is currently being shunned from society to protect our precious liquor reserves. Now tell me somebody's posting tanks outside convenience stores because anything less and we're just jerking each other off and calling it a magic show. (I don't know military talk.)
Photos: Pacific Coast News
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Octomom’s losing her house

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

To the absolute joy of anyone paying taxes in California, Octomom's house is about to be foreclosed due to lack of payments. TMZ reports:
As we first reported, Octo didn't make a balloon payment of $450,000 on March 10. She's also behind $4,139 on monthly payments.
The person who sold the house to Octo and holds the note, Amer Haddadin, tells TMZ he will give her until Tuesday to pay the two amounts, plus interest and attorney's fees, or his lawyer will file to foreclose on the house.
I can't even imagine why Octomom hasn't been making payments to keep her kids probably sheltered. It's not like she's out constantly shopping or paying a battalion of nannies so she can go clubbing in New York like I'm sarcastically describing just now. But, seriously, it's probably not a bad idea to foreclose on Octomom considering she apparently turns into the goddamn devil when the lights go out. I can't say I didn't already suspect this, but seeing it before my eyes makes me realize shoving crucifixes in uteri isn't such a bad idea after all. (You win this round, church.)
Photos: Splash News
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Stephanie Seymour’s nipple is back

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

Stephanie Seymour showed some more nipple in St. Bart's yesterday and in the process proceeded to remind us that supermodels are our most precious commodity. I don't really know what that statement means, but if anyone decides to store some in a bunker to avoid their extinction, I volunteer myself to turn that bunker into a heterosexual episode of Oz. That sounded way less creepy in my head. Scope Out (40) Pics of Stephanie Seymour After the Jump
Photos: Fame, Splash News
Posted in NSFW, Photos, So Freaking Hot, bikini, nipples, stephanie seymour | Leave a comment

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Heidi Montag fired her psychic manager

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

Heidi Montag is going through managers like they're new chins, according to Us Magazine:
On Monday, Montag, 23, began shooting a cameo in the comedy Just Go With It, starring Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. When reached for comment, Montag's rep told Us Thursday: "Aiden had nothing to do with securing Heidi's role in the movie."
But a source tells Us that Montag was "horrified" when he showed up on set, "demanding a significant portion of her Hills money."
The source adds that when Chase, 40, recently followed her as she filmed MTV's The Hills, he tried to "move onto Audrina [Patridge]," whom he not only offered his healing/spiritual services but also asked to be her manager, the insider tells Us.
In Psychic Man's defense, I'd probably start hitting on Audrina Patridge, too, if I saw her essentially have a Tit Battle with Heidi Montag in the middle of a restaurant. Or I'd just solidify my clairvoyant cred by making eerily accurate predictions out loud. "I'm going to disappear in the restroom for a while now... There will be noises... An officer of the law will arrive... Statements shall be made..." Scope Out Audrina and Heidi After the Jump
Photos: Splash News
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Jesse James banged a Nazi

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

Apparently Jesse James' penis is a divining rod for crazy because he managed to not only stick it in a heavily-tattooed woman who grew up Amish, she's also a Nazi. TMZ has obtained photos from last year of Michelle posing in Nazi attire and court documents in her child custody case reveal she has white power memorabilia all over her house even though - wait for it - her son is Jewish. Sandra Bullock has to be bathing with Brillo pads right now. On that note, kudos to everyone in the comments who noticed the letters W and P on Michelle's legs and assumed it meant White Power. (I was leaning towards Wiener Parking Lot.)
Photos: Splash News, TMZ
Posted in Jesse James, Photos, Sandra Bullock, affair, michelle bombshell | Leave a comment

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How Would You Get Back At An Ex?

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 19, 2010

The Bounty Hunter starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler wants to know how you'd get back at an ex. I'm usually comfortable just knowing they had to put up with me in the first place, but maybe you guys are a little more creative which means we should never date. The Bounty Hunter in Theaters Now.
How would you get back at an ex?
  • Lose ten pounds
  • Like their single status on Facebook
  • Date their friends
  • Make out with their BFF
Created on Mar 12, 2010

View Results

poll by twiigs.com
- ADVERTISEMENT -
Posted in Gerard Butler, Photos, The Bounty Hunter, jennifer aniston | Leave a comment

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Jesse James apologizes to Sandra Bullock

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

Jesse James released the following statement to People today apologizing to his family for recent reports of an affair with stripper/porn star Michelle "Bombshell" McGee (above):
"The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.
"There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.
"This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me."
So I'm guessing the vast minority of the allegations that are true involve a tattooed vagina, the words "open marriage" and a cotton swab to the urethra because condoms are for suckers. But at least Jesse James is man enough to admit his mistake and then basically assume his family will forgive him one day, so who wants to fuck? Or was that not the message? Scope Out (20) Pics of Michelle "Bombshell" McGee After the Jump
Photos: Splash News
Posted in Jesse James, NSFW, Photos, Sandra Bullock, michelle bombshell, nipples, topless | Leave a comment

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Kristen Stewart looking surprisingly good and other news

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

- Miley Cyrus should give lessons to Amanda Seyfried. [Lainey Gossip] - Michelle "Bombshell" McGee pulls a Joslyn James. Or is it vice versa? [Dlisted] - Padma Lakshmi's baby daddy was apparently a mystery. Until now. [PopEater] - Jessica Alba's still has breasts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Audrina Patridge's wonk boobs shan't be restrained! [HollywoodTuna] - Rihanna's planning Katy Perry's bachelorette party. Hope she likes Chris Brown pinatas. [TheFABlife] - Lindsay Lohan might be banned from India. [Huffington Post] - Tiger Woods gets the South Park treatment in case you haven't seen the words "alien wizards" 50,000 times today. [Amy Grindhouse] - Beyonce and Alicia Keys. Ain't nothing wrong with that. [Bossip] - Kendra Wilkinson trashes Kate Gosselin. [ICYDK] - Lady GaGa asked Boy George to sign her vagina. [Socialite Life] - Madonna shows Lindsay Lohan she's not fucking around. [Betty Confidential] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter
Photos: Splash News
Posted in Links, Photos, kristen stewart | Leave a comment

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Tiger Woods is romantic

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

Because hush money doesn't go as far as it used to these days, Joslyn James has launched an entire website dedicated to posting text messages she supposedly received from Tiger Woods during their affair. Here's just a couple samples from Tiger's alternate personality who apparently has a PhD in anal sex:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Considering Joslyn James' entire family has labeled her a pathological liar, I'm almost 90% certain she's just re-posting dialog from her latest porn and waiting for a giant check. Although TMZ has a convincing theory to the contrary. And if it is true, I want to know how the hell we lost the greatest erotic writer of our time to the most boring sport known to man. It's like a master chef deciding he wants to reheat oatmeal for a living. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Photos: Splash News
Posted in Photos, Tiger Woods, affair, joslyn james | Leave a comment

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Holly Madison wins St. Patrick’s Day

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

As a full-time drunk/part-time appreciator of midgets as props, I can safely say Holly Madison has completely captured the very essence of St. Patrick's Day better than anyone puking into a shamrock hat last night. I'd almost qualify this more by revealing I'm Irish, but truthfully my grandfather was the son of a logging camp whore - not even a joke - so for all we know my family's 3/4ths grizzly bear. *sniff sniff* Dammit, who's menstruating again? We talked about this. Scope Out (16) Pics of Holly Madison After the Jump
Photos: WENN
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Britney Spears saw Jason Trawick shoot a nun. That’s the only explanation here.

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

Despite reports of a break-up, Britney Spears and Jason Trawick were spotted shopping together in Beverly Hills yesterday essentially confirming her dad's paying him a shit-ton of money. I mean, there's no way these two are having sex. It'd be like taking advantage of a retarded person which is just horrible all around. A.) They have no idea what's going on so you might as well hump a couch that wants to watch cartoons. And B.) It's almost impossible to look yourself in the mirror after seeing a team of bodyguards hose your lover down with a fire hose because she throws punches if you put her in the shower. You're never quite the same after that. Scope Out (16) Pics of Britney and Jason After the Jump
Photos: Fame, Splash News
Posted in Photos, britney spears, jason trawick | Leave a comment

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Heidi Montag missed a spot

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

I honestly don't know if there's anything specifically wrong with Heidi Montag's ass cheeks in these photos, but I do know just posting them here will make her drop another small fortune on surgeries until she looks like a bleached Kim Kardashian or strokes out trying. On that note, I'll be mentally preparing myself for Heidi looking like Robocop in five years and me still wanting to touch her boobs. (You can't fight destiny.) Scope Out (20) Pics of Heidi Montag After the Jump
Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Posted in Photos, So Freaking Hot, heidi montag | Leave a comment

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Snooki killed somebody. No, really.

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

To the shock of pretty much no one, RadarOnline has discovered Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of was charged with selling booze to minors during a party at her house that ended with the drunk driving death of a teenager:
Snooki was one of three people charged in connection with the 2004 death of teenager Michael Truncali, a RadarOnline.com investigation revealed.
The Marlboro High School senior died with a blood alcohol level of .18 -- more than twice the legal limit -- when he rolled his Mazda in the early hours of Thanksgiving morning after drinking for hours at Snooki's house.
Truncali had been drinking heavily in the basement of Snooki's home before crashing his car on his way home. After a several month investigation, Snooki was charged with Prohibited Sale of Alcoholic Beverages, as authorities said she charged a fee for alcohol.
Except it gets even better. Turns out Snooki's mom was home the entire time and, based on all those gangster movies I've seen, essentially turned rat and let her own daughter eat the charge:
Marlboro Police Chief Stephen Fajfer said police found Helen Polizzi was home during the course of the party.
"She cooperated," Fajfer said about the investigation that began in 2004 and lasted several months. "She came in willingly and spoke to us several times about the incident."
When RadarOnline.com approached Helen Polizzi at her home in New York this week, she refused to comment without an attorney being present.
In the end though, everybody learned a lesson and Snooki became a responsible member of society who doesn't drunkenly bang an entire boardwalk of strange men on TV. Wait. I'm thinking of that other Ewok, Wicket. Let's try this again...
Photos: Splash News
Posted in DUI, Jersey Shore, Photos, Snooki, police | Leave a comment

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Sandra Bullock got the f-ck out

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 18, 2010

Further confirming reports her husband Jesse James had sex with a walking tattoo, Sandra Bullock has already packed up and left, according to People:
The actress left the Southern California house she shares with James just days before a report of infidelity by her husband surfaced, a source tells PEOPLE.
Bullock, 45, left on Monday, the source says. Bullock, who won her first Oscar - a Best Actress award - for The Blind Side on March 7, also abruptly canceled a trip to Europe for the London premiere of the film.
I legitimately feel bad for Sandra Bullock because I made the unfortunate mistake of watching pre-Oscar footage where she spent the whole time raving about Jesse James' daughter, who she's been deeply invested in helping him secure custody of, only to have him Tiger Woods her a week later. However, I also sat through The Proposal and could just as easily start whipping out sparklers. I'm a raging conflict of emotions.
Photos: Getty
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Sandra Bullock should probably get tested

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 17, 2010

Because Jesse James banged this without a condom. I'm not saying all women with tattoos who fuck married man have VD, but I'm also not saying "You just got Blind Sided!" hasn't become the proper medical term for genital warts. Just so there's no confusion. Thanks to Willie Dixon in the comments. UPDATE: Added a bunch more pics after the jump.
Photos: Michelle Bombshell, Splash News
Posted in Jesse James, Photos, Sandra Bullock, So Freaking Hot, affair, michelle bombshell | Leave a comment

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Angelina Jolie & Johnny Depp on a boat and other news

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 17, 2010

- Mackenzie Phillips got ripped off. [Dlisted] - Lady GaGa is goddamn MacGuyer. [Lainey Gossip] - Pamela Anderson's vagina won't stop at shorts. Mark my words. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Jennifer Aniston still doesn't get movie premieres. [HollywoodTuna] - David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmell join forces against Leno. [PopEater] - Kendra Wilkinson sounds like an awesome mom. [TheFABlife] - Amy Poehler's pregnant again. [Huffington Post] - Robert Pattinson thinks he's James Dean now. [StarPulse] - Shia LaBeouf hates Kourtney Kardashian. [Celebslam] - George Clooney's life continues to own. [PopSugar] - Miley Cyrus is very spiritual in her "own way." Read: If the south asks, I'm still a Christian. [Just Jared] - Tim Burton picks out Helena Bonham Carter's clothes. He has to. [The Blemish] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter
Photos: Splash News
Posted in Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Links, Photos | Leave a comment

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Lindsay Lohan texted her dad in the hospital

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 17, 2010

Michael Lohan claims Lindsay sent him a text after learning he suffered a heart attack yesterday, according to RadarOnline:
"I got a text message from Lindsay which read: 'OMG. Hope you are okay' and my other kids have all been in contact with me too.
"My girlfriend Kate Major slept here with me overnight and my spirits have been lifted by the support from both my family and friends.
"I've been through a lot in my life, been to jail, various court cases, even drove my Ferrari over a cliff once, so, it's going to take a lot more than this to finish me off!
Surprisingly Michael Lohan isn't talking out his ass because The Superficial has obtained a full transcript of their conversation: 
xxx-xxx-8008: OMG hope you are okay
xxx-xxx-7734: i'll survive. if you show me your boobs :)
xxx-xxx-8008: can't. having sex.
xxx-xxx-7734: with who?
xxx-xxx-8008: like id know
xxx-xxx-7734: that's alright. ill just kick kate in the vagina.
xxx-xxx-7734: love you!
xxx-xxx-8008: [no response]
Photos: Splash News
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Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock

By The Superficial - Because You're Ugly | Published: March 17, 2010

Fresh off her Oscar win, Sandra Bullock has essentially confirmed rumors Jesse James cheated on her by pulling out the UK premiere of The Blind Side which Warner Bros. has decided to scrap all together. BBC News reports:
Warner Brothers said the star, who won the best actress Academy Award last week, will not travel to the UK due to "unforeseen circumstances".
The premiere had been due to take place next Tuesday in London.
The cancellation announcement coincided with unconfirmed reports in the US media regarding the actress's marriage.
What's even more surprising is the rumors came from InTouch which means it might as well have been written by Tila Tequila:
While Jesse has had an 11-month affair, including five weeks of sex, with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, she believed he and Sandra were no longer together. "I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man," Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. "He gave me the impression they were separated." For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle had sex at least once a week with the Monster Garage star. Far from a one-night stand, his relationship with Michelle was intimate and highly charged. Michelle even says she called Jesse, who didn't wear underwear or condoms, by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so "well-endowed."
Vanilla Gorilla? HA! No wonder people cheat so much. That shit's hilarious. Seriously, I don't even know how you get mad at something like that. "But, baby, she called herself 'Bombshell' and I was 'Vanilla Gorilla.' You should be laughing instead of aiming that gun directly at my penis." UPDATE: Posted pics of Michelle Bombshell here.
Photos: Getty
Posted in Jesse James, Photos, Sandra Bullock, affair | Leave a comment

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